Hit or Miss

I, Shalayna, am not interested.

Well, maybe I am a little bit. At this current stage in my life, I do come in contact with a few good-looking men here and there, but I never feel like they are people I would consider “building” with. I can spot a guy from a distance at a party, or eye someone on social media and have some sort of infatuation, but I can guarantee that the minute I shoot my shot, I will most likely be uninterested. When it comes to crushes I don’t even bother because there’s an 80% chance that within a week (two weeks max) I will be over that person. Not saying that these people are bad people because I bet they will be nice, and can make someone happy, but I don’t feel that I’m on the same page as anybody else nowadays. But who knows? Maybe the right person just hasn’t came around yet to change my mind.

The last crush I had doesn’t trace back to that long ago- it was my sophomore year of college, and it was one of the few people that I can say is actually a male version of myself- with slight modifications. Though my relationship status can clearly prove that that crush did not lead to a relationship- it did show me a lot about myself. Some of those things being that I’m a sweetheart deep down, and I am naturally a giving person- when it comes to romantic and platonic relationships alike. I’m that friend that will stay up late with you to help you do your homework, or when I’m over at your house I’ll order pizza instead of Chinese so that we can both eat. I love making people feel good, and that’s what my first crush taught me. With that being said, I give that same type of energy with everyone I like as well. This “crush” also was one of my first deep crushes on a guy, which exposed to me both the bad and the good. It made me crave a relationship, and also steered me away from the thought of it as well.

So why am I single? Maybe I’m too focused on fulfilling my dreams and aspirations that I don’t really pay attention to or crave male attention that much. With college graduation less than a year a way, I’m more focused on being established than being “spoken for”. Or maybe a relationship isn’t what I want right now and I have to explore my options (see my The Talking Stage post here), because I might not even be sure of what I want in the first place. Or maybe my upbringing is to blame- being raised by a single mother because of my father’s job relocation; I didn’t really see the benefits of marriage-let alone relationships in general. Don’t get me wrong I have an amazing father who tries his best to support my sisters and I the best way he can from the other side of the country (including traveling from down south to upstate NY just to help me move into my sophomore year dorm). However, seeing my mother work and physically raise 3 kids with the best financial support that my dad could provide made me realize that if she can do it so can I. Yes, marriage and being in love can be very beautiful- but is it necessary for overall happiness?  When “looking into my future” I do not picture myself as a loving wife and mother;I picture myself as a girl boss- a bachelorette who’s self sufficient and confident enough to take the world by storm day by day.

*But if a handsome bearded black man is willing to change my life and viewpoint, my instagram and twitter are both linked on my blog’s homepage, so there’s the tea on that*

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